My daughter is a lot more brave than I am

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Captured by Bruce Penney Photography

Captured by Bruce Penney Photography

Today I learned that my daughter is much more brave than I.

She’d had a falling out with a friend. Based on having only her side of the story it seemed to me that an unreasonable request had been made of her and that her response had been appropriate. My daughter stands up for what she believes in and is usually pretty calm about it. She doesn’t always take the most popular stand, but often the most just. However, it resulted in two very upset children, with my daughter coming home from school crying that she’d lost her friend.

After a long weekend of stewing about it she came to me and asked if I thought she should talk with her friend. I told her that yes I did. I said that while it sounded like she was right about what she told her friend that it also was important not to let it come between them for too long. I explained that if she let her friend know that she felt her friend’s request was not okay (essentially she’d been asked to choose between two friends) and that she did not want to make a choice … and if her friend still made the same demand then my girly would at least know that she did what she could. I wanted her to know that she was right to stand up for herself and her choices.

My daughter proceeded to pick up the phone and call her friend.

Honestly, I’m quite certain I would not have done so when I was her age, and I don’t know if I even would today. I have come to believe that if someone is hurting me in some way, by their actions or inaction, that it just isn’t worth it to me to fight. I’m better off without them in my life. Now of course that is a very simple statement and there are often a lot more complexities to social problems than that, but essentially that’s my take.

I have no patience for games, no desire to try to read minds, and know unequivocally that I’m actually not very good at either anyway. I’m pretty direct when I communicate with others and appreciate the same in return. So, I feel much better served by simply walking away from situations … in which I have little time, energy or emotion invested.

I have a number of close friends. And I have a lot of acquaintances whose company I enjoy at times. My friends have been there for me through some of my ugliest times. They deserve a little more wiggle room. Maybe they were having a bad day, or maybe we misunderstood one another. That isn’t to say others don’t deserve the same respect – I just don’t go out of my way to try to make it happen after I have been hurt in some way.

In the end my daughter mended things with her friend. They both apologized for their part in the problem, and I believe my daughter’s right to have whatever friends she chooses is being respected … for the time being anyway.

She told me she was shaking when the phone was ringing while she waited for her friend to answer. She didn’t know if her friend was still mad at her. But it was worth it to her to take a chance.

I hope I’ll have the same amount of courage if I feel a situation is worthy enough…

 

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Filed Under: General, Parenting, West Nova Family Tagged With: , , ,

Expanding on balance, and the choices we live

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Expanding upon a previous post, my thoughts on finding balance:

Until a year ago, most of my adult life has been spent spinning – one high-stress situation to the next.

And then I turned a new leaf after nearly a decade of living on edge: first with a leave of absence ? full-time studies; then graduating from university (again). I am just learning how to function in a state of “normal”. Finally: I’m done school; my new job while meaningful is low-stress (in comparison); I have a supportive spouse settled into our life/family; we’ve had our own home (and haven’t moved) for almost three years now, and I am at home one to two days each week…

I have been in over my head so many times, with my body telling me I had to make a change even when I felt like mentally I was coping just fine. I’d have Fibromyalgia flare-ups, migraines, insomnia, etc. …all effected by – if not caused by – burning the candle at both ends.

I have always struggled with finding a balance. I love working, and have a strong desire to be a leader and innovator. On the other hand I also love having time to focus on my family. I have swung on a pendulum between wanting it all and wanting none of “it” a couple of times before finally coming to the decision that I simply cannot. I cannot have “it” all. I won’t be happy with one extreme or the other. So I made a conscious decision to seek a middle ground: part-time employee and part-time at-home parent.

This was not an easy choice. I had to give up the desire to be in charge. Not being woken for urgent calls, not having to rearrange everything in my life for a crisis at work, not scrambling to get my children taken care of, not having to fix everyone else’s problems… these are benefits to my overall well being that are worth making sacrifices for.

Life is almost in perfect balance now. With a part-time, meaningful job in my field, and the ability to be flexible enough to meet my children’s needs (with the help of my very dedicated spouse) I am more content than I have been for years. I still find myself (often) straying down that familiar path of needing to be busier, more involved and more successful. I have to reign myself in. In an attempt to cater to my desire for more I have given myself permission to become involved in some personal projects that I can work on at whatever pace works for me at the time. This means when I have too much on my plate those projects take a back seat, but when things slow down they are there for me to pick back up again. 🙂

Balance is whatever works for you. Some people thrive on careers and find balance in hiring nurturing caregivers that become part of their family. Others choose not to have children at all. Some choose parenthood over the workforce and might return to a career later in life, if ever. I have chosen a middle ground. I may never make the big goals of my career, but I also will not have regrets about spending more time with my family.

Mostly, balance requires accepting the choices we make,while acknowledging that we are the lucky ones. In Canada, there are few things in life that most of us do not have some sort of choice about.

Filed Under: Gratitude, Health & Fitness Tagged With: ,