I ain’t Settling

Something I can’t stop asking myself… what if? what if this is not my intended path? what if all of this is just a stepping stone? what if I am holding myself back? what if I never find out? what if I am just having a case of the grass is greener? what if I wait it out?
Then I wonder… will I ever? Will I ever feel like I know? Will I ever stop wondering? Will I ever be satisfied?
How do I know? I could go with the feeling of restless, annoyance, exasperation… or I could be patient and see what happens. Maybe it will all sort itself out, if I just wait… But I have never believed in fate happening TO you. I have always believed in making your own fate.
I am faced, yet again with the same questions. And in my mind, if it keeps coming up, then I have been making the wrong choice.
It really doesn’t matter what aspect of life I look at. Work, recreation, family, love, always the same is true – life is too short to settle, and only one person can make my dreams come true.

I ain’t Settling… ;)


The journey home

The journey back home hasn’t been easy. It’s an evolving story from which I apparently have many lessons to learn. Like being true to myself and demanding the respect I deserve.

Photo by Paul Wesson Photography

Photo by Paul Wesson Photography

It’s hard to imagine what events could set me so far off course. Although I have a good idea of what circumstances allow such an event to have occurred. By not taking care of myself. < I was very inactive this winter. I just started running again. I’ve been eating terribly and have made little time for the things or people that I love.>

I spent too much time waiting and hoping for those who care to show me. And wasted too much time trying to get through to the wrong ones.

I take on too much and never feel completely satisfied. But in every moment I know… On the journey home…

I know to appreciate it for what it is. I know to be true to myself and the life I’m intended to be living will follow.

With each lesson learned I am that much closer to satisfying my appetite for more. I know that it is in the moment which I learn to embrace fully … and appreciate all that it is – that is where and when I will find wholeness.

When I can love purely for the sake of loving, I will be loved wholly.



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Tough choices… the most rewarding

Often times in life we’re faced with  difficult choices.
The hardest choices often the least obvious ones.
Distant Thoughts
Ending a relationship. One that feels good . It offers good things, but it’s hard. Something gets in the way.
A great job offer that isn’t quite what you were looking for.
You cannot be certain it was the right choice.
Then something else comes along … And you know
Maybe it’s that dream job
Maybe you  meet your match.
The commute gets shorter. The job makes you happy.
You feel connected in ways you never have before.
 You feel challenged. You feel successful.
Your heart races.
Your thoughts are preoccupied… with the butterflies you thought you’d never feel again. That send a current through you as you remember.
You no longer doubt it was the right decision.
You have a conviction to make the most unlikely choices.
You met in the least likely of places.
You are energized.
You are fearful, yet you’re excited.
Happy. Aroused. Connected. Playful. Enlightened.

An open letter of thanks…

Photo by Paul Wesson Photography

Have you ever ended a relationship where there was so much you had left to say, but knew it was better left alone? That to extend even one smidgen of communication was to open a door best left closed securely <with a dead bolt>?


Sometimes I just need to get things off of my chest, I write them out and then shred or burn the words away. But sometimes there are things worth hanging onto. Whether he ever knows it, I do.


I believe everything happens for a reason, we don’t always know what the reason is right away, or even at all. But there is a reason none-the-less.


I try to reflect on lessons learned and not repeat mistakes that can be avoided. Though I have noted sometimes I make the same mistakes multiple times before the lesson really becomes ingrained, or the actual depth of it becomes clear. I know that however painful life can be and is, that if I can learn something from each experience it makes it all worthwhile. No regrets. Everything I have been through has brought me to this very point… in this moment.


And so my letter follows:


This letter is one of thanks to you for being part of my life, however short and stormy, yet happy and intense a season it was.


I am thankful to you for opening my eyes to a number of important possibilities. I am at a crossroads. I have determined that there are more changes yet to come. One of the possibilities being contemplating leaving. Leaving the community I have been calling home for nearly seven years. And another being that of returning. Returning to a setting that is more my pace and atmosphere. Returning to the only place I really know as “home”.


I could have made a completely new change, but I’ve come to realize – in losing some of that newness I had been so fervently embracing with you – what I really yearn for. I yearn for the story I have living within me… to grow and to flourish. The circle of my life is bringing me back “home”.


I thank you for showing me that rushing in is not wise, even when we think we’ve found the exception. That no matter how much I want to believe, I can not actually know without taking the time to learn.


I am grateful to you for showing me that even the toughest skin can have a softness that will embrace caring – caring for me in ways that I need and want. For showing me that someone will see me as worth giving everything for.


I am grateful to myself for finally seeing the light and not sacrificing myself for the missing pieces. I thought I’d found the whole package, and yet an integral piece was still missing. You know what piece that was, and it saddened me that you could not give it to me, even as you tried.


When I have all of it – together… after slowly growing with the man I am meant to… into a relationship of trust and respect, of love and nurturing, of learning and adventure, of dreams and of really truly living, I will finally be “home” in every sense.


I am sorry that we couldn’t have that together. But I thank you for being a part of my story.


Drop me a note in the comments below, or connect with me on Twitter @ceilidhontherun, email me at ceilidho at ceilidhontherun dot com, or use my contact form!

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What are the odds?

I’m usually one to carefully consider my words. Last month’s post is no exception. I sat with my verbal expression of the decision to end things for a couple of months. I revisited and edited and finally published my post. Even in so doing, I was uncertain. Why post it now? Because I have more of my story to share. I have a story of risk and courage and bliss. It could not have come to be without it’s preface.

Have you ever found yourself living a contradiction of sorts?

You’re an atheist, but in crisis find yourself sending a prayer up to the universe? You’re a health nut, but find yourself craving some totally garbage junk food? You’re cautious, responsible and thoughtful, yet find yourself head over heels in love after a matter of days?

I am SO there. I have been trying to analyze and justify what is happening to me. But there is no reasoning this. I simply and insanely have fallen hard for a man who has everything I want. He shares my dreams. He is caring and expressive. He is honest and direct. He is ambitious and hard-working. He loves life and pursues his dreams. He’s an incredible father, and wants more of that with me. He’s a christian. He’s active and fit. He’s easygoing and gentle. He’s tough and he’s sexy. He’s everything.

Since we met we have spoken throughout everyday. We haven’t missed one. We’ve fallen in love with each others’ dreams. We’ve fallen in love with each others’ children. We already envision ourselves in each others’ lives, ambitions and futures.

Loving this hard and fast is scary as hell. Yet it feels so right.
There really is someone out there for me and I can find him a hell of a lot faster than I ever imagined, if only I am willing to take the risk. To love hard and fast and deep. To be courageous and love fiercely, as my good friend Kirk advised me. There is so much to gain. A loving partner who is willing to do anything to make me happy for the rest of my life. A parent who shares in my ideals. A man who dreams of the same visions as mine.

Someone who is willing to risk it all, to have me in his life and gives everything he’s got to make me happy. There really is someone out there for each of us, we just have to be willing to take the risk to find them.

Separation. Loss. Redemption. Love. (Writing prompt: @copyblogger)

I have tucked this writing prompt away for several days stewing over it. The timing of it is nearly impeccable. In three days my divorce will be effective. My divorce, that has been three years in proceeding, five years coming (since separating), and many more in the making. While I have moved forward, there is still always a part of this process hanging in the background darkening the edges of my being. I look forward to celebrating that cloud being lifted. Celebrating with a life partner whose priority has always been to ease (never cause) my pain.


The separation started long before we split up. Emotionally detaching in preparation for the inevitable. When it came time to divide our household, I felt prepared and ready. Or so I thought.


The loss came with an unexpected flip-side of relief. While I grieved the loss of our dreams, of our family unit and all that I had envisioned for us and especially for our children, I was relieved that finally a decision had been made… that the endless trying to make it work, that the unbearable feeling of hopelessness, was over. With those losses have come many, many more gains.


Redemption came with knowledge. Knowledge of that which I really need to be happy. What I learned from my failed my marriage: what I can and cannot compromise on. I learned what is really important to me. I learned what I should have known – before I ever married in the first place.

The redemption came when I found everything that I needed, and recognized it thanks to my past experiences.


Love came at the least expected time. It came while neither of us were looking for it. While both of us were content – separately, with the direction each of our own lives were heading. It came when accepting what we’d found meant moving in an entirely new and unanticipated direction. Love came when we were ready.