Do you feel alone or lonely? Adults’ lives are filled with dichotomies. The more wrenches that get thrown into life, the more contrasting views that seem to apply to the same situation(s).

I am faced with one of the most common single parenting dichotomies. I do not get enough time to myself. Period. My life consists of working and MomsTaxi and juggling the much more active social lives of my two (*almost) teenage girls with my own. And I cherish my alone time. I really truly do.

Yet…

I have been without a significant other to share my life with, for a long time. Nothing brings my attention to that fact more than the few days that I have alone in my home. As those days approach I feel myself in a tug of war with myself.

Part of me is excited and anxiously anticipating having the house empty, clean, and quiet. Part of me wants to take that time and become a hermit just enjoying having no one to answer to.

Then another part of me begins to feel anxiety about having no one to count on to share even a fraction of that time with. Not just any-old-some-one. But someone significant who will also look forward to the quiet and the freedom and want to share some of that time completely detached from the outside world (except for maybe walking the beach). Someone who will also know the balance that is needed and share some social time with me out and about, taking in music or food, or a hard bike ride…

It is so hard not to begin feeling lonely, at the thought of finally being alone. For me this is a bi-weekly cycle. Sometimes I get lucky and find someone to share my time with. Perhaps a dinner date, a coffee, or a walk, maybe even a weekend long Netflix marathon…

I can (and do) do these things solo. Don’t get me wrong, there is some real benefit to not having to meet in the middle with movie choices and choice of dinner… But these days, I would prefer companionship to solitude more and more. Perhaps this stems from another dichotomy of parenting: kids grow up and become far less dependent on their parents. No longer am I needed at every social event, nor am I even welcome. While this is a tough pill to swallow sometimes, it is healthy for everyone. Yet, it leaves me with more time on my hands so that when the true solo time on the weekend comes, I am no longer craving alone-ness as much as I am adult companionship.

So here comes the weekend. Time to find my middle ground.

Where is yours?

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