12in12, Day 8. OR It hurts so … good?

This weekend was a real mixed bag, so to speak. Much like with the Nova Scotia weather and its frequent changes there were just so many different emotions flying around that I think my system has gone into overdrive or perhaps is actually beginning to force some sort of a shut down.

It went from a very positive explorative interview regarding a business opportunity, to highly emotionally charged confrontation, to worrying about loved ones, to successfully meeting challenge without prodding, to a sense of foreboding, to helplessness and loss, to feelings of unconditional love and support, to relaxation, to productivity, to progress, to physical pain and exhaustion, to … on and on, it seemed.

The highlights, the positive events that I wish to focus and report on, begin here.

Today begins week 2 of the 12in12 challenge. I have successfully met the daily challenge so far. On days 5 and 6 I had to get a little creative and fit my walks in around momstaxi services.

Day 7 I got a much needed break, after arriving at dad’s emotionally spent, and took his dog for a walk in the dark. We grabbed a flashlight and headed down to the wharf first where the water was calling me as it softly washed onto the beach. I was reluctant to move on after seeing that the Christmas tree always erected by Santa’s helpers at the end of the wharf had gone up again this year (after a couple of winters that mom and dad had spent away at Christmastime). I could feel mom’s presence right there with me telling me how fortunate they were to have such loving neighbors who remembered and continued the tradition again, for dad. And so a few tears flowed as I walked back up the path and continued along the road past my parents’ home until I could hear the ocean calmly lapping on the shore again as I was once again following the water’s edge. The fog wrapped a blanket around me, secure and cocooning as I needed, and I felt the serenity of the place my parents have made home for the last decade.

After returning to the house we had a nice spaghetti dinner with dad and my girlies, relaxed by the fire, tucked the girlies into bed, had a long chat, and then I had a soak in the hot tub. There is nothing like a tranquil soak on the deck overlooking the silent cove. The fog was so heavy I couldn’t see much of the water, but I knew it was there, absorbing all of my troubles for those moments.

I pictured mom sitting with me as she would have done chatting away filling every silent void with thoughts and expressions of her love of life and all it once offered her. Dad and I both retired to bed after watching the last end of a semi-final curling game. And I slept like I haven’t slept in many, many weeks.

Today, Day 8, youngest girly asked if we could go for a walk. I suggested she invite Grampy, and that maybe we all could go. After lunch we did just that. We carried out some long-held traditions the girlies had with their Nanny and Grampy. It gave them peace to know these things did not have to stop happening even though Nanny was no longer with us to share them. In fact, she was very much with us as her granddaughters chose treasures from their beachcombing that remind them of Nanny and will be used in creations to aid in that for much time to come.

After returning home I felt agitated and couldn’t shake the hurting. As a distraction while the girls were still up and I needed to hold it together, I worked on some new challenges to assist with my 12in12 reading commitment for later in the year. I took the #50bookpledge and signed up for the To Be Read 2012 Challenge.

Once the girlies were tucked into bed, the sadness just rolled over me and I let myself just be – however I needed to be – for a few minutes. I sought out a little comforting and then sat down to write this post.

Tomorrow is another day. Day 9 of the first month of #12in12, just 21 more to go!


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About Trish

family legacy curator, social justice advocate, blogger, amateur photographer, reader, cyclist, runner & swimmer, mom of two